Should you Enroll in a Class on Effective Listening?

St. Cloud State University's Riverview Hall

The author of "Listen Up" finds the Effective Listening course at St. Cloud University to be worthwhile for both students and non-students. But what are others saying about this class?

"I recommend this class to someone who hasn't taken communication classes," Joanna Crocker says. "Learning how you listen and being able to notice when you aren't listening are two very important skills to have in any profession."

Joanna Crocker is a student in Dr. Diana Rehling's Effective Listening class at St. Cloud State University. Crocker says her favorite part of the class was learning how to remember people's names.

"There were a few times when people used my first name in class to ask me a question; and I realized how important it is to address someone by their first name, and how much more willing I was to respond to that person," Crocker says.

Crocker says she had always thought she was a good listener, but from taking the effective listening course she was surprised to learn "how easily I can tune someone out."

"I had always thought that I was a pretty good listener," Crocker says. "But I found out I still have a lot of work to do."

 What is Crocker's overall experience in the effective listening class at St. Cloud State University?

"Overall my experience with taking the listening class has been really enjoyable," says Crocker. "I learned a lot about how I listen and how I can listen more intentionally to those around me."

Thank you for Listening

Leah Carr & Nick Minock, UTVS News

My Effective Listening Professor, Dr. Diana Rehling said to us on day one that "Listening is a worthy life time goal." 

I completely agree with her.

The end of my Effective Listening Class brings an unfortunate (almost) end to this blog. But it doesn't bring an end to the pursuit of my new life goal -- being a good listener.

I strongly encourage everyone to enroll in a listening workshop or course if possible. My Effective Listening class has taught me an incredible amount and I am confident it will enlighten you, as it did me.

The Effective Listening class at St. Cloud State University took me by surprise. I have gained more from this class than any other class I've had. The topics covered in this blog do not begin to scratch the surface of the different kinds of listening that exist. 

 

Moreover, my Effective Listening class wouldn't have been as enjoyable and engaging without Dr. Diana Rehling. She has a wealth of knowledge and a great sense of humor. If you are a student at St. Cloud State University, I strongly encourage you take Effective Listening with her (CMST 229).

Dr. Rehling inspired virtually every post in this blog, and taught me the background knowledge on the topics I covered. These posts include:

Making a Frown Into a Smile

A Special Kind of Healing

The Skill That will Increase Your Profits and Your Chances of Landing a Job

How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen

A Better Road to Recovery

When you Play Monopoly, You Lose

May I have your Attention Please

"I Do"

Planning, Obsessing, and Worrying... Oh My!

Multitasking Vs. Listening: Who Wins?

For those of you who have taken the time to read my posts, I thank you.

Furthermore, I won't completely abandon this blog, "Listen Up." I will continue to make posts.

Until next time, Go Husky's!

P.S. If you are a first time reader of "Listen Up", I encourage you to continue reading. I think you will find these posts worth your time.

Making a Frown Into a Smile

Watch this video. It will put a smile on your face.

And if that video didn't make you smile, this video certainly will.

Listening for enjoyment is appreciate listening. Appreciative listening also includes listening to different kinds of music.

"One of my favorite kinds of [appreciative] listening include going outside during a warm day and sitting on the grass while listening to everything that is going on," Zach Peter says, a student at St. Cloud State University.

What do you do for appreciative listening?

A Special Kind of Healing

There is one conclusion to every story. We all fall down.

There comes a point in almost everyone's life where we become seriously ill or suffer a time of great challenge. But there is a way to help heal our loved ones who are going through these experiences.

"The most common complaints about people who are seriously ill is that they feel alone," Dr. Diana Rehling says.

Rehling has taught classes on effective listening for over twenty years. She has experienced a serious illness herself which gave her a "new vantage point for thinking about the healing power of listening."

"I think one of the things you realize is that to a degree you are absolutely alone," Rehling says. "But my husband was very good about listening."

Rehling says she did not feel alone during her time of illness because her husband was by her side willing to listen with compassion.

"The great thing about my husband is that he was very supportive," Rehling says. "People who are seriously ill need someone who is generally accepting; recognizing there is nothing wrong with being ill. Being ill and passing away is what humans do."

Compassionate listening is different than therapeutic and empathetic listening. The objective of compassionate listening is recognition of our connectedness. 

Rehling explains in her paper, "Compassionate Listening: A Framework for Listening to the Seriously Ill" that compassionate listening/dialogue cannot be arranged before hand. It must be natural. 

In Rehling's paper, she  describes her experience with a serious illness and explains how compassionate listening has the power to heal.

The next time a loved one struggles with an illness, consider listening -- with compassion.

NOTE: I will have have a future post that will go into more depth on compassionate Listening in the near future.

The Skill That Will Increase Your Profits and Your Chances of Landing a Job

Minimizing overhead and making a profit is what business is all about. This delivers the need for workers and business owners who listen well. 

Studies suggest the private sector loses millions of dollars a year due to poor listening skills. One study suggests that over 60% of errors made in business can be attributed to poor listening (Cooper, 1997).

Lynn Oshnock, who owned a successful coffee shop and works in the private sector believes that if workers listen effectively, businesses would save a substantial amount of money.

"I whole hardheartedly agree with that," Oshnock says. "I believe communication should be thought-out and communicated with the voice of humanity, not the voice of a computer. If businesses took that approach, I think they would find the third quarter’s earnings triple or quadruple from the second quarters earnings."

Oshnock also says that our skills to comprehend and skills to listen to the message are much different from 'hearing the message'. She says the key is to listen and absorb the message to carry out tasks successfully.

Eighty percent of Executives rated rated listening as the most vital skill for accomplishing task (Salopek, 1999).

John Stewart who taught interpersonal communication for over thirty years at the University of Washington writes in his book Bridges Not Walls: A desire to listen involves a curiosity for new information and a willingness to pay more respect to your speaker. 

Stewart also says, "Concentration is the key to performing any meaningful activity well." 

The number one skill employers look for in workers is communication skills (Job Outlook, 2009). Listening is a pillar of communication and will enhance the likelihood of landing a dream job.

Business Listening Activities

Listening in a Business Organization

How to Talk so your kid will Listen

 

"I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own," says Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in their book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Faber's and Mazlish's book outlines 6 area's that give the reader know-how on how to foster more effective communication with children. The 6 area's outlined in this book can be applied in any relationship; but I wanted to dig deeper to see if these practices actually work. I began with interviewing a mother who has read dozens of books on how to raise children and has 4 girls of her own.

 

In the first chapter Faber and Mazlish say using these four steps will help parents help children deal with their feelings: 1) use full attention 2) acknowledge their feelings 3) give their feelings name 4) give them their wishes in fantasy.

 Nicolle Combs, a mother of four says she agrees with acknowledging children's feelings and using full attention.

"One of the biggest problems most kids have with their parents is they feel their opinions and feelings aren't important," Combs says. "Adults sometimes view kids feelings as unimportant, which can put kids on the defensive."

To avoid this Combs says parents should sit down and truly listen to their children.

 

 Combs also believes giving children's feelings names is useful, but only in the right situations.

"If my young daughter is feeling upset, I will give examples of her feelings such as 'I understand that made you angry and that made you sad," Combs says. "But if I tell my teenage daughter 'I understand you feel angry' she would [probably] reply to me sarcastically saying 'well, what do you think'."

Combs believes giving children their wishes in fantasy is also dependent upon the situation.

"When my [young] daughter tells me 'I want a horse', I say to her 'if we win the lottery, the first thing I'll do is get you horse'," Combs says. "But when she throw's a tantrum at grocery store, playing 'the I wish game' is not effective - because in life there are things you cannot have and that is something that should be taught to kids early on."

In their second chapter, Faber and Mazlish outline how to achieve cooperation by 1) Describe 2) Give information 3) Say it with a word 4) Talk about your feelings 5) Write a note.

  Combs believes that it's important for parents to describe.

"When I tell my daughter to put her shoes on, she usually asks 'where are we going', and I explain to her where it is we're going," Combs says. "The reason why I do this is because I want to show her that it is okay to ask questions; asking questions is how people learn. 

"If children learn to do what adults tell them to do, what is going to happen when a stranger tells them to get into their car?" Combs says.

Combs believes that giving information is also dependent upon the situation.

"When one of my daughters leaves the milk out, I give them information by telling them milk gets sour if it's not the fridge," Combs says. "But it's also important to hold them accountable in a way that doesn't come off as an attack."

And when it comes to talking about your feelings, Combs agrees.

"It's important to avoid saying 'you always leave your dirty dishes in the sink or you never shut the front door' because it's a gross exaggeration and your kids will tune you out," Combs says. "For me it's a matter of sitting down and explaining why I dislike having dishes in the sink because it tells me your time is more valuable than mine - and they will get it."

Combs also says that notes are effective and she uses notes to communicate with her daughters. 

"However, you need to be careful with notes because you don't see inflection," Combs says. "Sometimes kids may think they're in trouble or joking."

 Combs says children are adults in training and what works for one kids, may not work for another. 

So what do people do when they become a parents? Reading books that will enhance communication and practicing those principles is a good way to start.

A Better Road to Recovery

Some peoples inability to truly be present with others during tough times can push their loved ones into destruction and depression. 

"One of the ways we show people that we are present with them is how we listen," says Karen Kissel Wegela in her article Being a Good Listener. 

Sheryl Monette a chemical dependency and psychiatric nurse believes this to be true.

"It's critical to pause internal dialogue when working with people who have addictions or are struggling through tough times," Monette says. "People who want to help heal others need to listen. If people interrupt with comments, the person who is speaking will know that we aren't really paying attention."

Monette believes it is very important to attend to people who are going through tough times and to show that we are listening to them by using supporting cues. 

"Often you need to listen to what they are saying and especially what the are not saying," Monette says. "Using questions to clarify is a tool I use with people so they know I am listening. Asking for clarification also helps people elaborate on details and allows them to express their feelings more freely." 

Monette also says empathizing with people is key to get people on the road to recovery; whether it be an addiction or a horrible conversation with a significant other. 

"When I would see patients, sometimes we would only have 5 to 7 days to work with them," Monette says. "A key to recovery is having compassion when listening."

"It is also important to break through their denial system, and to do that you need come off as caring," Monette says. "Shutting down their denial system brings enlightenment."

Monette also believe asking good questions that are open ended are also important to Therapeutic Listening. 

"Asking good questions will get beyond the surface of an issue. By doing this you will learn what sets them off and you can then help them create coping skills, "Monette says. "Common triggers that set people off include: hunger, anger, loneliness and tiredness (HALT)."

Monette says to ask questions that begin with what and how and avoid using questions that begin with why.

"Asking questions such as, 'why did you do that' makes people feel like they have to justify what they did and can bring denial or excuses," Monette says. "Sometimes they don't even know 'why'."

Asking good questions shows an open mind and heart and invites people to open up; which is critical to successful Therapeutic Listening. 

Monette also says the person who is addicted to harmful substances is not the only one who suffers; the families do as well.

"In order for the family to help heal their family members recover, they should first focus on building a solid support base for themselves," Monette says. "Attending support groups, therapy and Alnon meetings will help them build a support base, which will help guide them."

Alnon meetings are free to attend and consist of supporting families. 

Monette's final piece of advice is to listen to the person. 

"Often they just want to be heard, and we tend to want to jump in and offer suggestions or fix the problem through giving advice," Monette says. "Start with listening."

The road to recovery can be difficult, wearing and demanding. But by listening well, we can help others create a positive attitude and speed up the road to recovery.

When You Play Monopoly, You Lose

The goal of the board game Monopoly is simple: make as much money as you can, and drive your opponents into bankruptcy.

When people apply the theory of Monopoly in their conversations, however, they drive others away. When Derber talks about people monopolizing their conversations, he reveals how much people talk about themselves at every possible moment. We, as Americans, are brilliant at this practice.

Conversational monopolizing occurs in many daily conversations and is conducted in disguise of false interest in what your partner has to say. There are two different types of attention responses that Derber believes is important to recognize. Those two include the shift-response and the support-response.

The shift-response is something that people should try to avoid. This short video demonstrates the shift-response:

This short video demonstrates the support-response:

 

During Joel's and Alyssa's first conversation, you will hear them monopolizing the conversation by turning attention away from each other and onto themselves. This is called the shift response.

In the second video, you will hear them practice the support response. The support response is underused in many conversations; but is ideal to relationship building and understanding.

Conversational narcissists overuse the shift-response, and they under use of the support-response (Derber). To determine if you are a conversational narcissist, try monitoring the conversations you have throughout the day. 

Due to living in an individualistic society, we learn to talk about ourselves as much as possible. According to Derber, this is driven out of self interest and a egocentric world-view. It's possible that we overuse the shift response not out of rudeness, but out of habit.

"I challenge everyone to use the support response in their daily conversations," Alyssa Robnik says. "I guarantee they will learn much more about their friends, family, and acquaintances."

The content of this post is thanks to Charles Derber and his book The Pursuit from Attention: Power Ego in Everyday Life

May I have your Attention, Please?

Everyday there are literally hundreds of sounds all around you that go unnoticed because you aren't paying attention to them (Brownell).

What people may not realize is for some people, staying focused and paying attention means life or death.

"Ten seconds is a lifetime when you are flying Fighter Jets," says Dan Monette, a former Navy Pilot. "You must pay attention, even if it's inconvenient."

The training in the Navy and Marine Corps regarding focus and attention is extensive. Around 40% of people drop out during the training to become a pilot. 

To become a fighter pilot you must train physically and mentally to be attentive and focused. The same principles apply for all people who want to be effective listeners.

"During training you have to learn to listen and pay attention. Or you ran laps," Monette says. "The training concentrates in the moment and is geared to overcome distractions."

The number one goal with flying aircraft's is safety. To achieve safety, attention is paramount.

"When you fly you need to look and hear for what is 'not right' with your aircraft; listen to what is important; eliminate background noise; and listen for the exception," Monette says. "Directions of the ground crew are critical and if something is missed, the consequences can be great."

To put that into perspective, Monette talks about the story where two pilots were concerned with a broken light bulb in the aircraft. The pilots ignored all the warning signs from ground control and crashed straight into the ground.

The following video is from a F18 crashing into a California home:

Monette says you learn to listen. People aren't inherently good listeners; they have to train just like people who train for marathons.

The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof b.s. detector. This is the writer's radar and all good writers have it - Ernest Hemingway

 

Journalism is one of the few professions that is protected by the United States Constitution. Having journalists who look out for the best interest of the public is essential to sustaining democracy in the United State's.

In order for journalists to do their job, they must listen well. 

"The best journalists are good listeners," Rene Kaluza says, the Enterprise Editor at the St. Cloud Times.

"I would rank listening as a top skill journalists need," Kaluza says. "When a journalist is not listening to someone during an interview, they won't be prompted to ask questions that go deeper into the story. Some journalist believe they have the story before the interview, and therefore, hurry through their list of prepared questions."

However, the story can change during the interview. 

"A journalist should not portray their idea of a story. They should aim to portray someones else's story," Kaluza says. 

Kaluza also added that some journalists often assume they know answers to the questions they ask and that they should avoid doing it. 

"Assumptions are dangerous in journalism," Kaluza says. 

Listening is important in all professions. Future and current Journalists who listen well will help sustain one of the pillars to Americans society; democracy.

"I Do"

I promise. Those two words is what marriage is all about

Today that promise is being broken; between 45% to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Why do these marriages end? and how can you save your marriage?

“By listening to each other, thousands of marriages and relationships would be saved,” Susan Minock says. “I know several couples who have ended their marriage due largely from not listening to what their partner had to say. Sometimes they even desired the same thing, but they weren’t listening.”

 

Experiencing forty-six years of marriage and counting, Susan Minock has been through the highs and the lows of marriage. She draws from her personal experiences and believes taking the time to listen to each other is what sustains a happy, thriving marriage.

“Listening has taken a back seat. We [American couples] don’t listen. Many of us think we do; but it is important to realize that when we are thinking about what we are going to say, while our partner is talking, we're unable to listen,” Minock says.

Minock believes a good way to become a good listening-duo is to recognize how wrapped up with ourselves we are, and acknowledging that caring about what our partner has to say is paramount.

The Minock’s believe one of the most important things a couple can do is arrange a date night. Hire a sitter; turn off your phones, and talk to each other. Also taking the time to listen and absorb everything your partner has to say will remind you why you fell in love and married that special someone.

“But what's equally as important is observing how much you talk – make your point and move on. In addition to that, be mindful of the tone being used. A calm tone is much easier to listen to," Minock says.

“When you go on your date, you will see many couples eating with each other, but they won’t be talking to each other,” Minock says. “For older couples, they may be occupying their time by reading a newspaper and for younger couples it's spending time on their cell phone. They need to spend time with their partner in that moment, without distractions."

 

Another important exercise Minock believes is very useful is writing down how you feel on paper and having your thoughts read by your partner. When they are reading your words, they have no choice but to listen. 

Minock says, "you will learn amazing things about each other through listening, and it's important to validate each other’s feelings. In addition, it's critical to listen to what your partner isn't saying." 

Marriage is worth the fight. Minock says it is 100% easier to give up and give in; just like giving into a crying child and handing them that cookie so they will settle down. 

I will leave you with a video. Do you know a couple who does this?

Planning, Obsessing, and Worrying... Oh my!

This post will conceivably be the most vital post on this blog in terms of talking about how to become a better, more effective listener.

The first step to becoming a good listener is silencing the mind. Why is that important? Think about it... How many times during the day do you think about what is going to happen next?

You may find that your mind is everywhere else except in the present; obsessing about things that haven’t happened yet. And when it is not obsessing or worrying, it may be planning ahead. The truth is, you are only alive in this moment, so enjoy it!

Internal talking hinders the ability to listen more than anything else because the mind is everywhere, except in the present moment.

Some practices that will help you become less stressed, less noisy, more mindful, and a better listener is starting your day by mediating. Even ten minutes of meditation a day will make a huge difference. 

Here is a good video that will help walk you through your first meditation:

A good friend of mine, Alicia Richard, highly recommends starting your day out with meditating. "You will feel more awake, very relaxed, and the quality of your day will really improve," Richard's said .

 "If I leave my house without meditating in the morning, my day feels so much more stressful and busy," Richard's said. "I began meditating a couple of years ago and tried different meditating techniques. I enjoy listening to piano music while meditating. It helps me clear my mind -- which is essential to meditating effectively."


The following video is a song that Alicia Richard enjoys meditating to:

In addition, meditating has huge health benefits such as lowering high blood pressure, building self confidence, and helps with weight lose. Click here to find out more

Ann Pizer, an expert on meditation and yoga, calls the noisy mind the monkey mind.

Pizer says,“The monkey mind jumps from thought to thought like a monkey jumps from tree to tree. Rather than existing in the present moment, the monkey mind focuses on one thought after another, and these thoughts distract us from existing in the present..."

 

Try starting your day off tomorrow by meditating. I promise you it will pay off, immensely! You will feel the benefits instantaneously.

Multitasking Vs. Listening: Who Wins?

Many of us believe we are masters at the art of multitasking. However, what you probably don’t realize is that you are terrible at it. 

As we walk around college campuses, work, and enter coffee shops, we see people who are “multitasking” all around us. But what these people don’t realize is that they aren’t actually multitasking at all, they are task-switching.

The few studies across the country including one at Stanford University reveal that the human brain cannot perform more than one task at a time and that it is physiologically impossible to do so.

A great example of this is the lady who attracted national attention for falling into a fountain at the mall while texting. 

The lady who fell into the fountain may have been walking to the mall parking lot to return home. But once she responded to her text message, she switched tasks… and then took an unexpected bath in a mall fountain.

As you sit down to study and then start listening to music, watch YouTube videos, check your email, and watch TV – you are not actually studying at all. Effective multitasking is not only impossible; it is a practice that makes you significantly slower. PBS elaborates on this more in their video: DigitalNation

Multitasking and distractions dramatically hinder our listening ability. Before we become effective listeners, me must first acknowledge that we can only listen by eliminating distractions and focus our complete attention on one task.