How to Talk so your kid will Listen

 

"I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own," says Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in their book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Faber's and Mazlish's book outlines 6 area's that give the reader know-how on how to foster more effective communication with children. The 6 area's outlined in this book can be applied in any relationship; but I wanted to dig deeper to see if these practices actually work. I began with interviewing a mother who has read dozens of books on how to raise children and has 4 girls of her own.

 

In the first chapter Faber and Mazlish say using these four steps will help parents help children deal with their feelings: 1) use full attention 2) acknowledge their feelings 3) give their feelings name 4) give them their wishes in fantasy.

 Nicolle Combs, a mother of four says she agrees with acknowledging children's feelings and using full attention.

"One of the biggest problems most kids have with their parents is they feel their opinions and feelings aren't important," Combs says. "Adults sometimes view kids feelings as unimportant, which can put kids on the defensive."

To avoid this Combs says parents should sit down and truly listen to their children.

 

 Combs also believes giving children's feelings names is useful, but only in the right situations.

"If my young daughter is feeling upset, I will give examples of her feelings such as 'I understand that made you angry and that made you sad," Combs says. "But if I tell my teenage daughter 'I understand you feel angry' she would [probably] reply to me sarcastically saying 'well, what do you think'."

Combs believes giving children their wishes in fantasy is also dependent upon the situation.

"When my [young] daughter tells me 'I want a horse', I say to her 'if we win the lottery, the first thing I'll do is get you horse'," Combs says. "But when she throw's a tantrum at grocery store, playing 'the I wish game' is not effective - because in life there are things you cannot have and that is something that should be taught to kids early on."

In their second chapter, Faber and Mazlish outline how to achieve cooperation by 1) Describe 2) Give information 3) Say it with a word 4) Talk about your feelings 5) Write a note.

  Combs believes that it's important for parents to describe.

"When I tell my daughter to put her shoes on, she usually asks 'where are we going', and I explain to her where it is we're going," Combs says. "The reason why I do this is because I want to show her that it is okay to ask questions; asking questions is how people learn. 

"If children learn to do what adults tell them to do, what is going to happen when a stranger tells them to get into their car?" Combs says.

Combs believes that giving information is also dependent upon the situation.

"When one of my daughters leaves the milk out, I give them information by telling them milk gets sour if it's not the fridge," Combs says. "But it's also important to hold them accountable in a way that doesn't come off as an attack."

And when it comes to talking about your feelings, Combs agrees.

"It's important to avoid saying 'you always leave your dirty dishes in the sink or you never shut the front door' because it's a gross exaggeration and your kids will tune you out," Combs says. "For me it's a matter of sitting down and explaining why I dislike having dishes in the sink because it tells me your time is more valuable than mine - and they will get it."

Combs also says that notes are effective and she uses notes to communicate with her daughters. 

"However, you need to be careful with notes because you don't see inflection," Combs says. "Sometimes kids may think they're in trouble or joking."

 Combs says children are adults in training and what works for one kids, may not work for another. 

So what do people do when they become a parents? Reading books that will enhance communication and practicing those principles is a good way to start.